


jizzard

by fuckener



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkwardness, Cybersex, Dirty Talk, Humor, M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-12-13 04:58:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/820270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckener/pseuds/fuckener
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave is horrendously bad at dirty-talk. Karkat accidentally isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	jizzard

TG: im gonna go deep into you like a fucking well respected psychiatrist

TG: top of his field so fucking professional man 

TG: hell go to places you never even knew existed inside you 

TG: touching every inch of your psyche with his masterful brainfucking pen he makes insightful notes with 

TG: aw yeah 

TG: getting hot isnt it 

TG: im gonna fuck you as hard as a lawsuit babe 

TG: thrust out everything youve got one sexy subpoena at a time thats right 

TG: when you think theres nothing left to give here another one comes 

TG: shouldnt have admitted who you were to the sweet mormon kid at your door you dirty dirty girl 

TG: now hes tugging out the long paper dildo of the law and shoving it into your willing hands 

TG: yeah you deal with that legal issue alright 

TG: you fucking take responsibility for your poor choices 

TG: oh man im gonna go so slow itll be like a fucking christopher nolan movie in your ass

TG: yeah thats right

TG: you filthy minx

TG: once every half hour youll think

TG: surely its time for this to be over

TG: theres nothing left to do here

TG: im getting sleepy

TG: then therell be a big fucking breakthrough oh yeah itll blow your goddamn mind and youll be like GOD i was crazy before this is the shit

TG: and the fucking climax will just hit you like a fucking kick while the chemist guy drives the car off the road into a river

TG: shit yes

TG: im going to mess you up like a debilitating disease you nasty girl you

TG: yeah youll think youre on the brink of death

TG: mmm the end is so fucking nigh

CG: STOP

TG: can taste mornings sweet relief upon us thats right

CG: PLEASE STOP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED

TG: whats wrong

TG: youre sort of yknow fucking up the sweet onslaught of dirtytalk i was working on you

TG: was it getting too intense

CG: IT WAS GETTING TOO EVERYTHING 

CG: IF THAT'S HOW DIRTY-TALK IS PERFORMED AMONG STRIDERS I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW NON-SURPRISING IT IS THAT YOU WERE CONCEIVED THANKS TO SCIENCE AND DIRK'S DISGUSTING SLURRY OF GENETICS. 

CG: ACTUALLY, NOT-THANKS, SCIENCE. 

CG: YOU REALLY FUCKED UP ON THIS ONE. 

TG: so what youre saying that wasnt hot as fuck or something 

TG: are you like neck deep in ganja right now

TG: did the overwhelming waft of gamzees green lead you into his dark pot reeking corner of your neighbourhood

TG: are you full body bathing in a sea of hemp as we speak

TG: are you stoned karkat

CG: I GOT WHAT YOU WERE ASKING ME THREE HORRIBLY PHRASED QUESTIONS AGO, THANKS. 

CG: I THOUGHT IT WAS STUPID ENOUGH THEN BUT BY GOD

CG: YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO BREAK EVERY ONE OF YOUR RECORDS IN DOUCHEBAGGERY. 

TG: thanks ilyt

CG: SHUT UP, NO. 

TG: yes

CG: NO. 

TG: dont fight it whats the use

CG: YOU DIDN'T GENUINELY THINK ANY OF THE VERBAL MONSTROSITIES DRAGGING THEIR HIDEOUS MUTANT BODIES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH EARLIER WERE IN ANY WAY SEXUALLY AROUSING, RIGHT? 

CG: I REALLY NEED TO KNOW THIS. 

CG: I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR BULLSHIT, JUST YES OR NO, WAS YOUR HAND DOWN YOUR PANTS WHILE YOU TYPED ANY WORD OF THAT UP. 

TG: yes the entire time

TG: still down there

TG: listening to you bitch at me incessantly gets me so hot

TG: cant you see my gargantuan hard-on from your house

TG: its knocking the door tryin to say hello

CG: THE SPOUTING OF BULLSHIT TELLS ME YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK YOU WERE BEING HOT SO THANK JESUS YOU'RE NOT REALLY THIS MUCH OF A LIVING PIECE OF GARBAGE. 

TG: mmm yeah just like that

TG: call me an asshole too it gets me every time

TG: youre seriously turning my wank crank here babe

CG: I'M DOING A BETTER JOB OF IT THAN YOU DID ANYWAY, THAT MUCH IS FUCKING CERTAIN. 

CG: I MEAN HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS COLLECTIVELY THE WORST, LEAST COMPREHENSIBLE THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME, WHICH IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL CONSIDERING. 

CG: AM I ACTUALLY SPEAKING TO DAVE HERE?? 

CG: HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING ON THE KEYBOARD THIS WHOLE TIME, BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SOUNDING LIKE AN ASS. 

TG: thats it

TG: thats the ticket

TG: gimme a sec while i blow my load everywhere

CG: YOU HAD TO HEAR THIS, I'M SORRY. 

CG: STOP WITH THE DISTURBING IMAGERY AND DEFENSIVENESS. 

TG: woah im not defensive

TG: im just sitting here scrubbing the cum off of every wall in my room because of how hard you just got me off with all your bitching

TG: it looks like it snowed in here and there was no gravity

TG: you have made a jizz blizzard in my room with all your skilful dirtytalk

TG: a jizzard if you will

CG: YOU REALLY DON'T THINK YOU SOUND A LITTLE BITTER AT YOUR OWN FAILING SEXUAL PROWESS RIGHT NOW. 

CG: REALLY. 

TG: shit no

TG: sorry if im a little sour but if you didnt read me before my room has been victim to a twelve inch deep jizzard of your doing 

CG: MY GOD. 

TG: i dont know what kind you want to hear then

TG: if it isnt any of the nasty yet beautiful imagery i just cooked up for you

TG: that shit was special

CG: I AM IN NO WAY DENYING THAT. 

CG: I THINK IT WAS A LITTLE TOO SPECIAL. 

CG: MAYBE SOME OF THE CONVENTIONAL, NORMAL KIND OF DIRTY-TALK WOULD BE LESS COMPLETELY OFF-PUTTING. 

CG: JUST THROWING THAT POSSIBILITY OUT THERE. 

TG: boring

CG: I'M SORRY, WHEN I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU FUCKING ME LIKE A FATAL ILLNESS WOULD AND REFERRING TO ME AS A 'NASTY GIRL', I WILL FUCKING ASK YOU TO DO SO. 

TG: when you put it that way it sounds fair enough i guess

TG: i dont

TG: know

TG: why cant you try then god like youd be any better

TG: 'dave i want to gently strangle you barehanded all night long'

CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO SAY, YOU WERE ACTING LIKE YOU KNEW. 

TG: i thought i did my standards are just much higher than yours obviously 

CG: THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT IT WAS. 

TG: the problem is okay this is the least sexy environment possible right now

TG: its antisexual

TG: nunneries are steamier than this

TG: morgues are steamier than this

TG: im honestly gaining virginities as we speak

CG: I THINK THAT WAS YOUR DOING. 

TG: nah im pretty sure it was yours

TG: i start talking to you just wanting to wow you with my awesome and impressively erotic cybering expertise

TG: a little mutual jack off fun online with you

TG: and you just shut me the fuck down bro

TG: satan has been badmouthed less

CG: SORRY IF I WAS HARSH BUT

CG: DAVE. 

CG: YOU NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS AREN'T STIMULATING FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. 

CG: DID YOU GENUINELY FIND ANYTHING YOU SAID AROUSING AT ALL? 

TG: reading it back i guess that it wasnt

TG: quite as impressively erotic

TG: as i thought before

TG: man i dont know what to say we never say coupley stuff online

TG: i cringed just typing the word

TG: we do this instead 

TG: we have hour long conversations about nothing

CG: HEY, SHUT UP. 

CG: IT'S FUN. 

TG: i know it is

CG: FOR A FIRST ATTEMPT I GUESS IT WASN'T ALL TERRIBLE. 

CG: I MEAN, THE PSYCHIATRIST SOUNDED LIKE A VERY WELL TO DO MAN. 

CG: THAT'S SORT OF ATTRACTIVE. 

TG: its me

TG: im the well respected psychiatrist

CG: AND I'M, WHAT

CG: YOUR SEX ADDICT PATIENT OR SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND GENERIC LIKE THAT? 

TG: oh yeah

TG: exactly

TG: i know you just come here every week hungry for some of this choice ass

CG: DOCTOR, I NEED A PRESCRIPTION... FOR A DOSE OF THAT DICK. 

TG: haha oh man

TG: that can be arranged mr karkat

TG: then you make some lame joke about how mr karkat is your fathers name

TG: and you like idk ride me to completion on my big shot leather doctor chair

CG: I THINK YOU'RE MIXED UP THERE. 

TG: come again

TG: im saying that as dave not doctor dave 

TG: well i guess he can be saying it too

CG: I THINK DOCTOR DAVE GETS FUCKED OVER HIS DESK. 

TG: oh

CG: AFTER I GO ON A SPIEL ABOUT HOW _HARD_ LIFE IS BEING A SEX ADDICT AND HOW I NEED SOME _SPECIAL TREATMENT_ BEFORE, YOU KNOW, BENDING YOU OVER WHEN YOU GET ALL HOT AND BOTHERED. 

CG: BASICALLY WE'VE PLOTTED OUT THE WORST PORNO IN HISTORY. 

CG: DAVE? 

TG: here

TG: yeah haha

TG: but why stop now right

TG: then hwat do you do to me

TG: *what

CG: I DON'T KNOW, ISN'T SOME VANILLA ROLE REVERSAL NECESSARY? 

CG: A LOT OF HUSKY 'OH DOCTOR, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU GOT _YOUR_ LAST CHECK UP?'

TG: sounds right

TG: and then/

CG: A SHAKY, AMATEUR SHOT OF ME BACKING YOU UP AGAINST YOUR DESK? DOCTOR DAVE SAYING THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER LIKE 'NOT HERE, KARKAT, THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE CONDUCT.'

TG: true

CG: THEN I GUESS BECAUSE IT'S PORN AND NEITHER LUBE NOR CONDOMS EXIST I TURN YOU AROUND AND PREP YOU DRY. 

CG: SUCH A CARING INDUSTRY TO WORK IN. 

TG: you could use spit

CG: WHAT? 

CG: AS IN RIMMING? 

TG: hjslfkf;lu

TG: yes

CG: SO WE'RE BUMPING OUR VANILLA PORNO UP INTO KINKIER TERRITORY? 

TG: yes pleas egod

CG: DAVE? 

TG: hwat

TG: what

CG: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU

CG: OH

TG: can you jusy keep goign

CG: OH MY GOD, OKAY. 

CG: I'M SORT OF LOST RIGHT NOW, I'VE FORGOTTEN WHERE I WAS. 

TG: riMING

TG: rimming

TG: me

CG: FUCK

CG: ARE YOU REALLY

TG: yea h so canyou jsut

CG: YOU'RE

CG: HARD? 

TG: im hard i"m sofuckimg hard

TG: idk why but i 

TG: am so cab you please

CG: YOU'RE THIS HARD THINKING OF ME FUCKING YOU? 

CG: DAVE HOLY SHIT 

TG: fcking me w/ what

CG: MY TONGUE

TG: yeah thats

TG: yea h

CG: HOLY SHIT

TG: karkat serioudly

CG: IS THIS STILL WEIRD DOCTOR PATIENT ROLEPLAY??? OR IS IT JUST

CG: US

TG: us

CG: HOLY SHIT OKAY

TG: are you

CG: WELL NOW I AM

TG: godddddd

TG: i want ypo to

CG: LICK INTO YOU

CG: DEEP

TG: karktaj

CG: CHRIST

CG: AND WHEN I'M DONE

TG: when your done 

CG: STRETCHED YOU OUT ENOUGH WITH MY MOUTH AND MY FINGERS

TG: hbnnn what

CG: I CAN FUCK YOU

CG: OVER YOUR BED

CG: OVER THOSE GIANT FUCKING UGLY TURNTABLES YOU GOT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY

TG: w/ wha tsay it

CG: BEND YOU OVER AND FUCK MY COCK INTO YOU HARD

CG: BITE AT THE SIDES OF YOUR NECK WHILE I

TG: fuck me

TG: karkat fuck me

CG: HOL

CG: Y SHIT

CG: DID YOU? 

TG: yeah sure did

CG: OKAY

CG: GOOD

TG: did you

CG: YES

TG: awesome

TG: i cant believe ive only been using you for your ass when that silver tongue was connected to it

CG: IT WAS CONNECTED TO YOURS, ACTUALLY. 

TG: god yeah 

TG: woah

TG: that was a pleasantly surprising turn of events 

CG: AGREED. 

CG: I DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKED THE IDEA OF ME BEING IN CHARGE. 

TG: me neither

TG: early reports are saying this is the worst jizzard to hit my room since age 13

TG: good work

CG: I'LL SAY THANKS DESPITE HOW DISGUSTING THE COMPLIMENT WAS. 

TG: i guess youre better at saying these things

TG: although when you actually realised what you were saying the quality did decrease substantially

TG: and i was filling in the hottest blanks about what you were doing to me in my mind but i guess you were the one putting in the effort so

CG: WE CAN'T ALL BE SO COHERENT IN THE THROES OF MASTURBATION, STRIDER. 

CG: AND BY THE WAY, I FOUND THE MOMENT THAT YOU SAID 'hjslfkf;lu' TO BE ESPECIALLY POIGNANT. 

TG: thanks i thought so too 

TG: ill keep that one in my back pocket for next time

CG: I'M INTERUPTING BEFORE YOUR MAKE A POORLY DEVISED JOKE ABOUT MY DICK AND YOUR BACK POCKET. 

TG: got me

TG: on the real i have to do some decontamination

TG: kind of a gross mess over here

CG: ME TOO. WE SHOULD HAVE PAUSED FOR A KLEENEX GRAB. 

TG: karkat i literally wouldnt have stopped for a man with a gun if he came into my room and said hed shoot if i didnt stop jacking it so hard

TG: i wouldnt have stopped if my bro came home with guests

TG: even if they were like

TG: the royal fucking family

TG: id just have glanced at them while still going strong and then continued sending you unreadable words of encouragement like they werent even there

CG: WOW, THAT'S THE NICEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID TO ME. 

CG: I HOPE IT ISN'T ACTUALLY TRUE, BUT

CG: BOY IS IT SWEET. 

TG: i told you earlier man

TG: look right there see 'ilyt' i told you man

CG: TOO MUCH, OVERLOAD, CRASHING, I CAN'T TAKE THIS MUCH OF YOUR BULLSHIT IN ONE DAY. 

TG: haha

TG: it could mean 'i like your tongue'

CG: OH MY GOD, THAT WOULD BE EVEN WORSE. 

TG: tell me ylma

CG: DAVE, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THAT IS 'YOU LOVE MY ASS.'

TG: tell me

TG: obviously i know you already do

TG: i just want to read you say it

CG: SIGH. UGH. FINE. 

CG: ILYA. 

TG: you love me also?

TG: moving kind of fast there buddy dont you think

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: <3

TG: (its my ass)

**Author's Note:**

> don't look at me


End file.
